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DVD Review: Faces of Schlock - Boobs and Blood Edition

Faces of Schlock: Boobs and Blood Edition

USA 2009
Directors: Justin Channell (segment "Mike Wuz Here"), Henrique Couto (segment "Slay Ride"), Chris LaMartina (segment "One Foot in the Grave"), Andrew N. Shearer (segment "Blood Witch")
Writers: Justin Channell, Henrique Couto, Zane Crosby, Jimmy George, Chris LaMartina, Josh Lively, Andrew N. Shearer
Starring: Izzie Harlow, Ruby Larocca, George Stover, Countess Samela, Josh Lively, Kert Rats, Grim Parsons, Monica Puller.
DVD Released: September 21st 2010
Cert: NR
Running Time: 105 minutes
Aspect Ratio: 1.78: 1 Anamorphic Widescreen
Audio: Dolby Digital Stereo English
Subtitles: N/A
Distributor: Independent Entertainment
Region: 0 NTSC

The Film:

After Faces Of Schlock and Faces Of Schlock 2 comes Faces Of Schlock: Boobs & Blood Edition, promising to highlight....erm...boobs and blood, fine by me! A no budget Tales From The Crypt/Creepshow style spoof horror anthology written, directed by and starring a bunch of horror film geeks with waaay too much time on their hands. The tales are introduced by low-rent Elvira-alike Slutpira (Izzie Harlow) with the running gag that she's a serious actress making ends meet by doing these low budget gigs.

First up then is Blood Witch - an annoying goth lesbian that enjoys violently pummeling her own face to screaming orgasm summons the spirit of a dead (also lesbian) witch to murder anyone that even slightly pisses her off, like telemarketers and her roommate. It's a bizarre little tale with quite a bit of dark humour amidst all the menstruating women masturbating and dodgy close-ups of badly made-up faces. And if I might be permitted one politically incorrect statement per review let it be; the director of this one definitely has a thing for skanky fat chicks. The panty sniffing bugman was quite funny though so I'll lay off the big butt jokes. All in all it sets the tone pretty well for the rest of the stories we're about to see.

Next up is Mike Wuz Here - the employees of a local movie theatre want rid of an annoying ghost that haunts the building after committing suicide in it's basement. Unfortunately said spook is actually a paid employee of the theatre and won't stand for any anti-dead discrimination. It's a talky equal rights allegory for the most part (the bigots are referred to as boogits, hardy-har-har) until the ghost decides enough is enough, possesses one of the living employees and goes on a murder spree. Weakest story of the bunch I thought.

Followed by One Foot In The Grave - A dancer with a mysterious foot injury finally has her cast removed to reveal a nasty looking limb that makes even her foot fetishist boyfriend throw up all over his rug. She is told by her podiatrist that she will have to have the festering limb amputated or the infection will spread and she'll die. Lucky for her the doctor just happens to have a hacksaw handy and a witch pal that's in the market for a virgin's foot. The foot itself has other plans however, namely taking vengeance on those that parted it from it's owner. Which leads to a truly whacked out couple of revenge killings including one guy getting the foot booted right up his arse, through his intestinal tract and eventually out his mouth, nice! Probably the best little tale of the lot for that scene alone plus the bit at the start when the witch kills a dweeb for his foot only to find he's in a wheelchair and doesn't have any legs.

And finally Slay Ride - another goth brat, this time played by colourfully tattooed and pierced Ruby Larocca, gets grounded at Christmas while her parents head off on vacation leaving her at the mercy of her school science partner and a local redneck 'slow kid' that enjoys chopping effigies of teenage "gurls" into little bits with an axe, but which of those two is really the most dangerous? Wildly tedious until Santa turns up and takes out the bad guys with the star from atop the Christmas tree.

All of the above 25-30 minute segments look like they were filmed in the actor's actual homes, this really is NO budget film making. That said the acting isn't nearly as terrible as you might expect it to be with some actually almost pretty good performances in Mike Wuz Here and One Foot In The Grave. Izzie Harlow isn't all that bad as Slutpira either despite her occasionally forced delivery. Top marks to the producers as well for actually giving us some Boobs and Blood with at least four completely gratuitous shower/bath scenes and bucket loads of ketchup. The writing isn't bad either with occasional instances of spot on satirical humour adrift in a sea of blood and dick jokes.

The Disc:

The 1.78:1 anamorphic image is somewhat soft but nevertheless features good detail and solid colors. The English stereo track is choppy, sounds like it was recorded with a camcorder mic really but it is consistently audible.

Extras (and there's a shitload!) include -

A commentary track featuring what seems like everybody involved in the production! Each segment has it's own separate commentary featuring variably the actors, writers, directors and producers. They sound like a friendly bunch of geeks and they have a good time yakking over their work here providing interesting anecdotes about the filming.

A wealth of behind the scenes and outtake material for each segment including the Slutpira wraparounds; collectively running around 50 minutes this is an interesting look at how the production was filmed and an oft times languorous lesson in no budget film making - bloody hell it was their own homes they were shooting in! Lots of interviews, brain farts and goofs.

Also included is a World Premiere featuretteSlutpira head off to West Virginia (I think) to show their movie on the big screen for the first time. Running at 30 minutes this was actually the most entertaining part of the entire disc for me as it's an almost bittersweet little documentary and I thought the drunk guy that hassled them outside the theatre was fucking hilarious.

And finally a 30 minute look at the gang trying to sell their movie at the Cinema Wasteland 2009 con, a few episodes of Henrique Couto's short animated web series 'Drawing A Blank' and some trailers and a music video.

Review by Giuseppe Rijitano

DVD Review: Lights, Camera, Dead!

Lights Camera Dead

USA 2007
Director: Tim Reaper
Writers: Monica Reaper, Tim Reaper
Starring: Wes Reid, Amy Lollo, J.C. Lira, Monica Moehring, Richard Christy, Coldon Martin, Ashby Brooks, Stephanie Caston.
DVD Released: August 20th 2010
Cert: NR
Running Time: 77 minutes
Aspect Ratio: Letterboxed NTSC
Audio: Dolby Digital Stereo English
Subtitles: N/A
Distributor: SRS Cinema
Region: 0 NTSC

The Film:

Ryan Black (Wes Reid) is an aspiring filmmaker attempting to direct his first feature; a gory horror about a couple of wannabe witches that meddle with the dark forces and end up unleashing the undead. Unfortunately he doesn't have a clue what he's doing, his lead actress has been cast for her bra size rather than her acting ability and his half-assed amateur crew are a bunch of complete morons. It doesn't help when Ryan starts berating them all either and since none of them are actually being paid it's not long before they all just give up and leave. Ryan however, with the help of his script-writer Steve (J.C. Lira) decides to ressurrect the failed project with one minor rewrite to the script - actually kill the actors and just film it! Inviting the cast and crew to a special midnight screening of what little was shot before they all quit they all assemble at a remote farm out in the sticks for a premiere they'll never forget.

Synopsis doesn't sound all that bad does it? They never do. Trouble is this is another indie cheapfest made by a bunch of guys in their backyard. They've got heart I'll give them that. An imaginatively put together title sequence is about the most visually arresting thing you'll see throughout this as it's a very amateurish production from all standpoints including the technical. The acting is of course dire which is a shame because there are a few very funny almost Clerks-like moments of dialogue and it's a pity that there isn't much more of that sharp satirical humour about the behind the scenes making of a cheap movie because it's a damn sight more fun than the z-movie horror aspect that takes over the story. But then even good writing fails miserably when spouted by terrible actors so maybe not. Unfortunately this one's also light on gore which is surely unforgivable for what appears to be touted as a low budget splatterfest. OK well there is a pugfaced actress with massive tits at least and great emphasis is put on the fact that she's going to have to do topless nudity to appear in the film within a film but alas even that small, sad, pathetic pleasure is denied us as she remains fully clothed throughout; the pre-pubescent gamerz generation have a phrase that suitably expresses my displeasure - EPIC FAIL.

The Disc:

Dodgy, soft looking, grim, letterboxed transfer. Looks like it was filmed on VHS. English 2.0 track is audible throughout and that's the best thing I can say about it .

Extras (yes there's extras!) include -

A commentary track featuring the director Tim Reaper, actress Monica Moehring, composer Mean Gene, and executive producer Jonathan Straiton - It's a friendly informal light-hearted chat, seemingly filmed in the participants living room with much alcohol to hand. Most interesting fact gleaned from this track; apparently Moehring didn't show her tits because she's a schoolteacher!

A 2nd commentary track featuring actor Richard Christy - Bit of a cheat this one as it actually only runs for 3 minutes over Christy's short scene in the movie and pretty much consists of Christy narrating what we are actually seeing.....

The Music Box - A 16 minute short film featuring Monica (no you can't see my massive tits) Moehring yet again. This was a fairly gruelling quarter of an hour home movie in which she plays a girl browsing a flea market and ends up buying a music box that appears to be covered in human skin (ala the Necronomicon) hilarity ensues........

Review by Giuseppe Rijitano

DVD Review: Condemned

Condemned

USA 2010
Director: Oren Shai
Writers: Oren Shai
Starring: Margaret Anne Florence, Ashlie Atkinson, Aprella.
DVD Released: 2010
Cert: NR
Running Time: 14 minutes
Aspect Ratio: 1.85:1 Anamorphic Widescreen
Audio: Dolby Digital Stereo English
Subtitles: N/A
Distributor: RockingOren.com
Region: 0 NTSC

The Film:

Female convict #1031 in a 50's prison sweats in her cell as she awaits inevitable
and fatal retribution for snitching. Having been awake for three days for fear she
will be killed in her slumber, she cuts herself to stay alert and wearily tries not
to succumb to sleep. Unfortunately a new inmate is brought to share her cell, Laura,
a charming blonde who will either be #1031's salvation or her executioner..........

A beautifully shot little homage to 70's women in prison exploitation flicks
although those b-movie classics of yesteryear were never this well put together. A
sweaty, claustrophobic, noir-like feel is evoked throughout with an excellent
performance from Margaret Anne Florence as the weary inmate. The dialogue has a
tongue in cheek melodrama to it, especially when barked by the ruby lipped bulldog
of a prison guard played with obvious relish by Ashlie Atkinson and via the
voiceover set to the groovy spaghetti western throwback soundtrack. I don't get the
opportunity to watch many short films nor do I seek them out but if the aim of such
a short feature is to leave the audience wanting more then this one was highly
successful as I would love to see a full length feature based on this effort. Taken
on it's own however it is an all too short, paranoia filled meditation on the
inevitability of death that is very much worth 14 minutes of your time.

The Disc:

Shot on Super 16 this is an excellent anamorphic transfer, vivid colours,
solid blacks, excellent transfer. The audio is clean and clear with the haunting
score balanced nicely with the dialogue and ambient soundtrack.

Review by Giuseppe Rijitano

DVD Review: Lust

Lust (aka Torino centrale del vizio)

Italy 1979
Director: Bruno Vani, Renato Polselli (uncredited)
Writers: Alessandro Moretti, Renato Polselli, Bruno Vani
Starring: Rita Calderoni, Raúl Martínez, Tony Matera, Marina Daunia, Christina Hui, Emanuela Cannarsa, Albertina Capuani, Sergio Baldacchino, Mario Castagneri.

DVD Released: August 31st 2010
Cert: NR
Running Time: 78 minutes
Aspect Ratio: 1.66:1 Letterboxed Widescreen
Audio: Dolby Digital Mono Italian
Subtitles: English
Distributor: Mya Communication
Region: 0 NTSC

The Film:

So I usually end my reviews with some comments on the A/V presentation of the DVD I've watched but in this case the quality of the picture (and it's audio) affected my experience so much that I'm sticking it right up front; to say the transfer sucked donkey balls would be a massive understatement and, frankly, an insult to the burros bollocks which I can only imagine look better than this! It really does look like some bloke's discovered a mossy old European beta max tape in his waterlogged basement and then proceeded to transfer it to VHS and then to DVD, after letting his dog urinate on it first of course. It. Really. Is. That. Bad.

Phew, OK, now that's out of the way all that's left for me to do is tell you just how fucking awful the actual film itself is........

Helen (Rita Calderoni), a femme fatale with a nebulous mysterious past has fallen for a strapping young Italian bloke and wants to give up her former life to be with him. First however she wants to be honest with her fiance about just how much of a fucked up nutjob she really is; cue scenes of Helen with her lesbian tennis instructor, working as a drug mule and getting gang-banged by a bunch of bikers as her poor beau watches. But he's willing to accept her for what she is (you what!?) and Helen turns over a new leaf, only to suddenly vanish right after the wedding, d'oh! We follow said bloke as he tries to discover what happened to Helen; was she kidnapped by the shady organisation she used to work for? Did she just change her mind about the marriage? Or perhaps she forgot to try bestiality and has gone to satisfy her curiosity on that front as well..........

Actually writing that all out it makes it sound like an interestingly bonkers 70's spaghetti z-flick, believe me it isn't. A famous director once said about watching film 'I'd rather be confused for 20 minutes than bored for 5 minutes' well he should try and sit through the first 20 minutes of this one and he'd soon change his mind. I had no idea whatsoever what was happening - seemingly random images are played while Italian narration drones on in voice over about 'Helen, where is Helen, one moment here, the next she was gone, but I see her everywhere' wait, who, what? The basic plot of the film is painstakingly pieced together by the viewer after about 50 minutes of turgid indecipherable non-linear almost experimental onscreen pap and this isn't Memento folks, there isn't an intriguing twist or any hook at all to get the viewer interested or invested in the characters. The acting is uniformly awful, the sleaze factor is quite high with 70's style violence, rape, nudity, etc.

Aha apparently this is a "super-rare, almost lost film by Bruno Vani and co-directed by the late, great Renato Polselli. Mastered from impossible-to-find materials, this is a fair quality print." Fair quality, I had a chuckle over that one! So it's of some kind of significance to fans of Polselli presumably, good luck finding any of those!

The Disc: 

Dodgy letterboxed widescreen picture. VHS tape flaws all over the place, blown-out contrast, washed-out colours that make it seem like you're watching the image through a blizzard. Lots of print damage and debris. Mono Italian audio track is muffled, tinny, distorted and prone to drop-outs. Removable English subtitles are provided with hilarious translation errors throughout, so that's a bonus!

Review by Giuseppe Rijitano

DVD Review: Uppercut Man

Uppercut Man (aka The Opponent, aka Qualcuno pagherà)

Italy 1987
Director: Sergio Martino
Writers: Robert Brodie Booth, Maria Perrone Capano, Luciano Martino, Sergio Martino, Sauro Scavolini
Starring: Daniel Greene, Giuliano Gemma, Keely Shaye Smith, Ernest Borgnine, Mary Stavin, Bill Wohrman, James Warring, A.J. Duhe, Herb Goldstein, Ruben Rabasa.
DVD Released: August 31st 2010
Cert: NR
Running Time: 94 minutes
Aspect Ratio: 1.33:1 Full Frame
Audio: Dolby Digital Stereo English, Dolby Digital Stereo Italian
Subtitles: N/A
Distributor: Mya Communication
Region: 0 NTSC

The Film:

Lumbering meatbag Bobby Mulligan (Daniel Greene) is a wannabe pro-boxer waiting for his big shot. In the meantime he has a tendency to get himself into street fights with local bums at every turn, presumably his neanderthal features and general henchman type appearance tend to rub people the wrong way. Even Bobby's girlfriend's father Victor (the amiable Ernest Borgnine) can't stand him to the extent that the old guy slaps him silly when he sees Bobby hugging his daughter. Poor guy. Hang on though; he saves local mobster Duranti's trashy alcoholic moll Gilda from a back-alley gang-raping and suddenly he's in with a shot at his first ever professional fight; Duranti (Giuliano Gemma) being a fight promoter as well as a ruthless Bond-villain style baddie. All goes well for a while as Bobby wins fight after fight. Now he's in with a shot at the heavyweight championship but dumbass Bobby is seduced by aforementioned trashy slutbag Gilda and gets caught with his finger in the VD honey-jar by Duranti. As punishment the mobster orders Bobby to throw a fight, but of course at the last minute Hulk get mad and win fight. So begins a cycle of sadistic revenge between Duranti and Bobby that will escalate to murder and bitch-slapping's aplenty...........

A spaghetti-boxing flick? The Italians were a bit slow to catch on with the Rocky formula as by 1987 Stallone was already on Rocky IV but nevertheless here we are. Prolific spaghetti-meister Sergio Martino is on directorial duties here, happy working in whatever genre got him paid, Martino had been most successful with giallo murder mystery thrillers that usually starred popular genre actress Edwige Fenech (married to his brother Luciano back in the day) but you may also recognise him as director of Mountain of the Cannibal God and 2019: After the Fall of New York. The acting is terrible here with Daniel Greene awkwardly shuffling from one scene to the next without an ounce of charisma and sporting a forehead that surely must keep his shoes dry in the rain, there's also a career worst performance from Borgnine. The one exception is, astonishingly enough, the imported Italian salami that is genre stalwart Giuliano Gemma; his English is excellent and he actually plays a compelling villain that really makes the cro-magnon boxer he's up against seem all the more unlikely and unworthy of being his nemesis.

All the boxing genre cliches are ticked; old trainer that dies, fixed fights, professional rivalry, career threatening injury, star-crossed lovers and don't forget the training montage! What makes this one slightly more interesting is the addition of the organized crime element to the storyline and the almost sadistic instances of violence more European in tone than was popular in the USA at the time. The score is ridiculously bombastic and orchestral with a few pop/rock numbers accompanying the training montages in an attempt to (I can only assume) replicate the soundtrack success of the Rocky flicks but here simply make you pee yourself laughing at the unfortunate lyrics.

I'll be honest - I enjoyed this flick! It's cheesy, it's terrible, it's unintentionally hilarious but by god it's entertaining if you like this kind of 80's Z-movie guff!


The Disc:

Full frame transfer, looks like it may be sourced from a VHS due to some softening of the image here and there but it's a pretty good transfer overall. Colours look well saturated and the image is clean and well detailed. There are two audio options available; the Dolby Digital Stereo English track is clear and well balanced, the Dolby Digital Stereo Italian mix sounds a little tinny but then as no English subtitles are provided it's unlikely anyone outside Italy will be listening to it anyway!

Review by Giuseppe Rijitano

DVD Review: Naked Obsession

Naked Obsession (aka Spiando Marina, aka The Smile Of The Fox)

Italy 1992
Director: Sergio Martino
Writers: Sergio Martino, Piero Regnoli
Starring: Deborah Caprioglio, Steve Bond, Sharon Twomey, Leonardo Treviglio, Pedro Loeb, Raffaella Offidani, Raffaele Mottola, Martín Coria, Roberto Ricci.
DVD Released: August 31st 2010
Cert: NR
Running Time: 99 minutes
Aspect Ratio: 1.66:1 Anamorphic Widescreen
Audio: Dolby Digital Stereo English, Dolby Digital Stereo Italian
Subtitles: N/A
Distributor: Mya Communication
Region: 0 NTSC

The Film:

Mark Derrick (Steve Bond) is a US hitman that heads to Argentina on a contract, they need an out-of-towner and expert sniper for this hit. His employers also tell him that he's been hired because they know he will be well motivated given that his target is a member of the drug cartel that caused Derrick so much grief in his former life as a Miami NARC. Cue lots of sweaty sleepless nights as the hitman drinks himself into a stupor and relives the death of his wife and young son over and over. Luckily for him though his employers have set him up in a furnished flat that just happens to share a balcony with uber-slut Marina (Deborah Caprioglio) and it's not long before Derrick has fallen deeply in lust with his big-knockered neighbor to the extent that he starts to follow her all over town for a quick shag in random public places. True lust is never easy though and it soon becomes apparent that Marina is beholden to a dangerous drug lord but what are the chances it's gonna be the same bloke Derrick's been hired to snuff.....

The runaway spaghetti freight train that is the career of Sergio Martino continued into the 90's with this low-rent erotic noir thriller. The story is actually somewhat compellingly told in that things aren't simply spelled out for the audience with certain elements revealed in excellent cheesy little flashbacks that seem to be from another film almost - one about a good cop gone bad and his attempts at redemption. As for the acting; in the 90's when you couldn't get any of the B-list actors you wanted for your thriller you hired Jack Scalia, when you couldn't get Scalia I'm assuming you phoned up Steve Bond. And here he is in all his poor-man's-Scalia, unshaven, alcoholic, buffed abs glory. To be fair he actually isn't all that bad as the horny hitman, he pulls it all off quite admirably given the lines he has to work with, not to mention the massive tits he has to fondle and the pouty faced cheeseball of an 'actress' attached to them. Deborah Caprioglio really only has two things going for her and one of them isn't her acting ability. She is however unintentionally hilarious as Derrick's all singing, all moaning, snake loving, easy laying neighbor; Debbie certainly ain't a shy girl!

It's essentially a two person movie as well, with Bond and Caprioglio pretty much the only substantial characters in the film and Bond spends most of the flick wasted on J&B and staring at the walls of his apartment, there's very little action considering this was set-up as a hitman story. Oh and the bloody awful soundtrack sounds like a bunch of random gameshow themes have been merged together into one unholy symphony of 90's pop pain. My enthusiasm for this one started to wane at around the one hour mark when it became apparent that this hitman just wasn't going to actually 'hit' anyone anytime soon. That said it is a fun little Z-movie thriller if a tad overlong in my admittedly jaded opinion.

The Disc:

Very nice anamorphic transfer, colours look well saturated and the image is crisp, clean and well detailed overall with accurate flesh tones and solid blacks. There are some very minor instances of debris and print damage. The stereo English track is clean and clear with only a couple of noticeable instances of background noise/distortion. The Italian stereo track sounds a little muffled/tinny but then as seems to be the norm for Mya there aren't any English subs included, so it's not like anyone is gonna listen to it!

Review by Giuseppe Rijitano

DVD Review: The Monster and the Ape

The Monster And The Ape

USA 1945
Director: Howard Bretherton
Writers: Royal K. Cole, Sherman L. Lowe
Starring: Robert Lowery, George Macready, Ralph Morgan, Carole Mathews, Willie Best, Jack Ingram, Anthony Warde, Ted Mapes, Eddie Parker, Stanley Price, Bud Osborne, Ray Corrigan, Charles King, Kenneth MacDonald DVD Released: July 27th 2010
Cert: NR
Running Time: 450 minutes
Aspect Ratio: 1.33:1 Full Frame
Audio: Dolby Digital Mono English
Subtitles: N/A
Distributor: Cheezy Flicks Entertainment
Region: 0 NTSC

The Film:

An elderly but bright-eyed, white-haired boffin; Professor Franklin Arnold has created The Metalogen Man - a remote-controlled robot with incredible strength. Ultimately the prof intends to mass produce his creation and thus put an end to manual labour and eventually those pesky pinko commie bastards but before he can even get the ball rolling his colleagues are murdered by an ape. Yes, an ape. A huge gorilla named Thor to be more accurate, trained by evil genius Ernst, who wants the robot for his own nefarious purposes and so promptly steals it. It's up to the prof with the help of Ken Morgan (a bloke that represents the company that helped make the robot) and the prof's daughter Babs to get The Metalogen Man back and save the USA from megalomaniacal Ernst!

When I popped this one in my DVD player I thought; 'great, a nice little short 40's b-movie sci-fi'. Turns out it's actually a 15 chapter, seven and a half hour, 40's movie serial, d'oh! If you're a fan of 40's serials then you'll know what to expect here - it's a Flash Gordon, Superman, [insert random hero] in peril, cliffhanging series of stories. Each chapter lasts about 20-30 minutes and they were shown in movie theatres each week in conjunction with a feature film. For pedants this one happens to be the 26th serial released by Columbia Pictures, so they were pretty much in their groove by this point. Each episode features at least one high-octane fist fight, plus a random action scene, kidnapping or the like. In place of a superhero we have to make do with hard-boiled sales rep (er...yeah I think that's what he is basically) Ken Morgan as he faces off week after week against Ernst's 'evil empire' and his army of three thugs and a trained gorilla named Thor.

Let's face it this is the kind of thing Mystery Science Theater 3000 used to take the piss out of, and indeed I kept expecting Mike Nelson and Tom Servo to pop up in the corner and fire snide remarks at the screen. That's not to say it doesn't have a certain charm, it is fun to watch in small doses. Especially entertaining is the dodgy acting, shoddy sets and the obvious rushed takes where everyone flubs their lines and no-one quite seems to know what the fuck they're doing. Also the quaint outdated science and casual racism makes for interesting viewing; with an African/American janitor named Flash (played by genre stalwart Willie Best) that makes Jar Jar Binks look like a spokesman for the NAACP - "them cops done grillt me like a poke chop" is the kind of guff he's likely to spout plus he has a tendency to call the robot a rabbit, mind you everyone else in the movie calls it a robit so what the hell. And it's always a good laugh waiting to see how they will attempt to dispatch Ken in the final moments of each chapter; he's electrocuted, goes over a cliff in his car, rolled into a furnace, blown up, squashed by a boulder, thrown into a fiery pit, squished between moving walls, blown up again, drowned, electrocuted again, involved in a fatal car crash, involved in a fatal plane crash and my personal favourite; shot by a gorilla with a handgun. So given the relatively tight time frame of the whole series it's basically like a 1940's version of 24 only with a slightly more believable plot line.

Oh and the robit's crap, it's got a face like a constipated Grace Jones impersonator.


The Disc:

The transfer actually looks pretty good given it's age. It's somewhat soft and suffers most during the night scenes. Print damage and the like varies from episode to episode with only a couple being noticeably poor quality. The audio suffers from occasional hiss/crackle but not distractingly bad.

Extras are limited to a few trailers for other Cheezy Flicks DVD releases such as similar 1940's movie serials; G-Men Vs The Black Dragon, King Of The Rocketmen and Zombies Of The Stratosphere - please have mercy and don't send them to me to review, thanks! ;^)

Review by Giuseppe Rijitano

DVD Review: GOLD: Before Woodstock, Beyond Reality

Gold: Before Woodstock, Beyond Reality (40th Anniversary Edition)


USA 1968
Director: Bob Levis
Writers: Mark Leake
Starring: Del Close, Garry Goodrow, Caroline Parr, Sam Ridge.
DVD Released: July 27th 2010
Cert: NR
Running Time: 90 minutes
Aspect Ratio: 4:3 Full Frame
Audio: Dolby Digital Mono English
Subtitles: N/A
Distributor: Wild Eye Releasing
Region: 0 NTSC

“Hippies, hippies... they want to save the world but all they do is smoke pot and play Frisbee! I hate goddamn hippies!” -- Eric Cartman

The Film:

Uptight killjoy square cop Captain Harold Jinks(Garry Goodrow) doesn't approve of the local hippies in an Old West-style rural community romping about naked, so he zealously enforces various strict laws to ban public nudity. It's up to loopy long-haired rebel Hawk (Del Close) to save the townspeople from Jinks' oppressive reign.

OK so I stole that synopsis from IMDB because frankly I sat through this offbeat, hallucinatory, avant-garde oddity of a film and I couldn't tell you what the hell it was about other than an excuse for a bunch of folks to get really, really high and roll around naked in the mud. I could say the story is existential but that would just be straight lying, there is no story. Some of the actors are in old west costumes, some in 60's army gear, others in zoot suits but ultimately they will all just get naked. 60's counterculture it may be but a watchable movie it ain't. Directed by or rather organized by filmmaker Bob Lewis in 1968 and not given a USA release but eventually released in British theatres in 1972 it has pretty much been relegated to obscurity. The film's main claim to fame are a handful of songs by MC5 (Motor City 5) recorded for it's soundtrack, the last recordings the band would make before splitting up in 1972, making it something of a collectors item/rarity for fans. The film's main star is the father of improvisational comedy Del Close, beloved by his students which included the likes of John Belushi, Bill Murray, John Candy, etc - he also had a hand in the likes of SNL, SCTV and Upright Citizens Brigade so it's a damn shame really that this lame flick is pretty much his biggest starring role in a movie.

The Disc: 

The remastered full screen transfer looks excellent considering it's age and the relative obscurity of the content. The audio again has been remastered and it's a superb track.

Extras include -

A commentary track featuring producer/organizer Bob Levis and actor Garry Goodrow; a friendly chatty bunch of old hippies that have a good time letting us know what went on behind the scenes and just how incredibly high most of the cast and crew were during the shoot, what a shocker.

Another commentary featuring a couple of founding members of the comedy troupe Upright Citizens Brigade. Matt Walsh and Ian Roberts were friends and associates of Del Close and they primarily discuss his life and career here, occasionally stopping to mock the onscreen action.

A 60 minute Bob Levis interview from NYC cable public access TV. Filmed in 2008 this is a surprisingly heavy political discussion between two guys that (admittedly) know what they are talking about but really do seem to think the entire world is watching them in their little audience-free studio as they debate with sledgehammer seriousness issues which are so brain-meltingly tedious that I was ready to give the movie itself another watch just to get away from them.

A 10 minute interview, also filmed recently, with Garry Goodrow, an amiable old fella that has worked with everyone in Hollywood and delights in trashing the likes of Mickey Rooney at every opportunity.

Also included are a few trailers for other Wild Eye Releasing DVDs.


It's not often I find myself agreeing wholeheartedly with a fat little racist cartoon character but I'm with Eric Cartman on this one!

Review by Giuseppe Rijitano

DVD Review: Isle of the Damned

Isle Of The Damned

USA 2008
Director: Mark Colegrove
Writers: Mark Leake
Starring: Larry Gamber, Peter Crates, Jared Books, Oliver Krekel, Jamaal Mahmud, Dustin Edwards.
DVD Released: March 31st 2009
Cert: NR
Running Time: 85 minutes
Aspect Ratio: Anamorphic NTSC
Audio: Dolby Digital Stereo English
Subtitles: N/A
Distributor: Dire Wit Films
Region: 1 NTSC

The Film:


" Forced to flee Italy in exile over the public outrage caused by his film, Pleasures Of The Damned, filmmaker Antonello Giallo sought refuge in the jungles of South America to complete his follow-up picture. As production neared completion on Isle Of The Damned a shipment of the work print was intercepted by Argentinean authorities. Upon review they issued an arrest warrant for Giallo under suspicions of abuse of the native peoples. Furthermore Giallo was ordered to produce the actors of the film in court to prove that they were still alive. Before the trial could begin Antonello Giallo fled the country.

The restorationists of this film are proud to bring you, for the first time ever, Antonello Giallo's original vision, uncut and remastered. "

So goes the text intro to this 2008, cheap-as-chips, shot in someone's backyard, parody of all your favourite jungle cannibal flicks of the 70's and 80's. Mildly treated with some low budget FX to make it look like a grainy lost film from 30 years ago it really doesn't. But then the actors in this flick are wearing 70's comedy moustaches and wigs ala the Beastie Boys' Sabotage video and the entire dialogue track is fake dubbed, with a deep african american voice for the main diminutive white protagonist. So I'd say realism wasn't of paramount concern to these fellas, which is fine with me because despite my usual tendency to run a mile from anything that looks this shoddy I soon found myself laughing along to the childish, foul-mouthed, over the top and sick as fuck antics on display.

The film's plot, what little of it there is, concerns private investigator Jack (Larry Gamber) and his 'ward' Billy (Peter Crates) joining a group of treasure hunters on their way to an unexplored cannibal island in search of the lost gold of Marco Polo. Pretty much as soon as they arrive at their destination the flesh-eating locals have attacked; buggering and killing (not necessarily in that order) most of the crew. Jack and Billy however are saved by a mysterious professor, Alexis (Keith Tveit Langsdorf), and his mute Japanese assassin/manservant Cain (Dustin Edwards) who apparently live in a mansion on the island. With the help of the prof and his servants, Jack sets out to rescue whatever might be left of his crew from the cannibals and perhaps locate that gold if he gets a chance.

The script hits all the relevant cues from the spaghetti cannibal genre and much of the film's enjoyment comes from spotting which particular flick is being referenced at each twisted slash and turn. The most obvious nods are to Cannibal Holocaust, Cannibal Ferox and Eaten Alive but you might also pick up homages to Doctor Butcher MD, Zombie Flesh Eaters or any number of similar classics. The gore is turned up to 11 here and mixed together with some almost John Waters inspired shit-eating and basic toilet humour that will either leave you shaking your head in wonderment or secretly thinking; I could have made this. Gut-tearing, foetus-eating, a plethora of anal rapings and even a feast involving iguana semen slathered over monkey meat - you have been warned! But for all it's sophomoric humour I still found it watchable. I guess the basic premise can begin to wear thin over 80 minutes but it all depends on your tolerance for low budget filmmaking and in this case your love of dodgy old cannibal flicks.

The Disc: 

Anamorphic transfer looks fine, keeping in mind it's been fucked about with to make it seem as though it's a lost 16mm relic, the colours are strong, picture a little soft. English 2.0 audio is clean and clear.

Extras include -

A 'fake' commentary track featuring The Insultor (aka the dubbed african/american voice of Jack) who's brought his cousin Clarence along for the ride. Obviously a piss take in itself the duo seem fairly drunk and appear to have no idea what the hell they are watching and after about 45 minutes of cannibalism and anal rape they've had enough and just leave. Don't expect any info on the production here folks!

Paul Joyce's score can be accessed as MP3 files by playing the disc on your PC. And it's a pretty good little 'spoof score' mimicing the jaunty synth-pop numbers that infested these classic uber-violent productions.

Luigi Giallo Interview - a 5 minute 'fake' interview with the son of imaginary director Antonella Giallo. A bit of a recluse and a very emotionally scarred individual due in no small part to his father apparently selling his little boy's arse in order to fund his movie. More puerile stuff here, doesn't mean it's not funny tho!

The Shameless Art Of Self Promotion - a 6 minute featurette following the Dire Wit Films crew at a New Jersey horror film convention.

Trailers for Post Modern, Pleasures Of The Damned and Isle Of The Damned.

And finally a 30 second "Message From Professor Livingstine" in which we are assured that all the cannibalism in the film is in fact genuine and we are told to "Please enjoy the film......even though it's full of real cannibalism".

Review by Giuseppe Rijitano

DVD Review: Sandok

Sandok (AKA La Montagna di Luce)
























Italy 1965
Director: Umberto Lenzi
Writer: Fulvio Gicca Palli
Starring: Richard Harrison, Luciana Gilli, Wilbert Bradley, Daniele Vargas, Andrea Scotti, Nerio Bernardi, Nazzareno Zamperla, Giovanni Cianfriglia, Dakar.
DVD Released: June 29th 2010
Cert: NR
Running Time: 87 minutes
Aspect Ratio: 2.35:1 Anamorphic Widescreen
Audio: Dolby Digital Mono Italian
Subtitles: English
Distributor: Mya Communication
Region: 0 NTSC

The Film:

Alan Foster (Richard Harrison) is a suave British thief hiding out in India. While staying with the Maharaja he gets shitfaced and loses a million rupee in a game of cards. The rajah wants his cash or Alan gets a bullet in the face so the thief has no choice but to try and steal the biggest diamond in India; "The Mountain Of Light" which sits on the forehead of a massive statue worshipped by hundreds and guarded by an army. Oh and surrounded by a moat containing a crocodile, naturally.

Given the only other Umberto Lenzi films I've seen involve people getting their genitals cut off and eaten by cannibalistic natives I was surprised to find myself watching a family friendly adventure flick here. Well, as long as your family speaks Italian and doesn't mind the racism inherent in a film that must have used up Europe's entire supply of boot polish to make it's Caucasian cast look slightly ethnic. Apparently this is Lenzi's 3rd Sandok film in three years, the previous two featuring Steve Reeves in the main role. It's a kind of Sinbad/Tarzan knock-off with sequences that could have inspired Indiana Jones; Alan Foster has a habit of just shooting the natives coming at him with swords. The film moves along at a nice pace, never boring, a couple of nice twists keep things interesting as does the relatively nicely shot location footage. Richard Harrison is entertaining enough as the musclebound protagonist - veteran of over 100 films in the spaghetti industry he was an American that couldn't get a starring role in Hollywood so jumped at the chance to work in Europe and never looked back. Famously it was Harrison that suggested Clint Eastwood to Sergio Leone when he was looking for a 'Man With No Name'. Eagle eyed genre fans will also spot Dakar from Zombi 2 and Dr. Butcher M.D. in a small role as a heavy and Italian sexpot Luciana Gilli as a blacked up Indian belly dancer that Foster inexplicably falls madly in love with near the end of the film.

Mildly entertaining is the best I can say about it - still it's a bit of an odd movie to be released on the Mya label, are they doing PG-rated spaghetti adventures now then? Oh and another drinking game presents itself; down a shot every time someone says 'Mountain Of Light' and try not to spill your drink every time Foster proclaims 'you dirty fakir'!


The Disc:

2.35:1 anamorphic widescreen transfer looks quite good overall: strong vivid colours, some softening of the picture in the darker scenes. Audio is a mono mix in Italian; clean and clear, the English subs are free of errors.


Review by Giuseppe Rijitano

DVD Review: Love Games

Love Games (AKA Sette ragazze di classe)

Spain/Italy 1979
Director: Paul Lezy (Pedro Lazaga)
Writer: Tulio Demicheli
Starring: Janet Agren, Nadiuska, Alberto de Mendoza, Paolo Giusti, Giacomo Rossi-Stuart, Adriana Russo, Beatrice Giorgi, Bentley Bosco, Patrizia Basso.
DVD Released: June 29th 2010
Cert: NR
Running Time: 87 minutes
Aspect Ratio: 1.77:1 Anamorphic Widescreen
Audio: Dolby Digital Mono Italian
Subtitles: English
Distributor: Mya Communication
Region: 0 NTSC

The Film:

Following the adventures of a group of seven criminal masterminds/high class hookers as they blaze a trail of grand larceny across Europe from Spain to Italy's Amalfi coast. Along the way they'll impersonate the police, army officers, famous models, British royalty, porn stars and even an alien from the planet Eros - all in the pursuit of making a shitload of cash.

Ever wondered what a cross between Ocean's 11 and Sex And The City might look like? Nope neither have I, but the 1970's Italian sex comedy film industry provides, whether you like it or not! A hopelessly silly tale of beautiful women conning aging rich businessmen out of their ill-gotten gains. Unfortunately the director/writers forgot to bring the funny amidst all the slap sticky over plotted scams and shenanigans. Low on sleaze as well as laughs there's really little to recommend in this picture other than a morbid fascination with what an Italian version of UK TV's Hustle might have looked like in the late 70's. There are a few familiar genre faces in the cast including Eaten Alive's Janet Agren but for the most part it is populated by unknowns and deservedly so.

Director Pedro Lazaga was a ridiculously prolific filmmaker and made a record number of turkeys over his 4 decades or so in the business but this was his very last due to his shuffling off this mortal coil at the age of 61 the same year it was released. The score is actually the best thing about the film; composed by Fabio Frizzi, most fondly remembered perhaps for his collaborations with Fulci on The Beyond, Zombi 2, City of the Living Dead, etc.

The Disc:

1.77:1 anamorphic widescreen transfer is bloody atrocious! It's a VHS source with muted colours and a terrible fuzzy picture. Very disappointing. Audio is a mono mix in Italian, no complaints on this score it's clean and clear, the English subs are good overall with only the odd grammatical inconsistency here and there.


Review by Giuseppe Rijitano

DVD Review: Submission of a Woman

Submission of a Woman (AKA Al calar della sera)

Italy 1992
Director: Alessandro Lucidi
Writer: Alessandro Lucidi
Starring: Daniela Poggi, Gianluca Favilla, Paolo Lorimer, Cecilia Luci, Anna Orso, Andrea Ward.
DVD Released: June 29th 2010
Cert: NR
Running Time: 87 minutes
Aspect Ratio: 1.66:1 Anamorphic Widescreen
Audio: Dolby Digital Stereo Italian
Subtitles: English
Distributor: Mya Communication
Region: 0 NTSC

The Film:

Luisa (Daniela Poggi) is an Italian model and actress. Somewhat disillusioned with her work she yearns for roles that demand more of her than the ability to look hot in lingerie. Especially as she now has a husband and a baby at home to look after. Unfortunately Luisa has caught the attention of a dangerous stalker that has already brutally killed at least one victim. This psychopath (Paolo Lorimer) follows Luisa and watches her from a distance but when she heads home to her remote farm in the country he sees his opportunity to strike and a romantic weekend getaway becomes a terrifying ordeal of terror and survival.........

At least that's the kind of hyperbole I'd write on the back of the DVD box to get some poor sucker to rent it! In reality this is a competent Italian TV movie thriller that is let down primarily by it's deathly dull first half. For about the first 45 minutes we simply watch Poggi as she goes about her day, from a trip to the supermarket to getting her car serviced to meeting her agent - it just goes on, and on, and on. Now she may be a fine looking woman but this isn't Haneke or the Dardennes directing here, there truly is nothing drawing the viewer into the story through these scenes. The conceit being I suppose that we are supposed to be wary of all the men she bumps into during the course of her travels in that one of them might be the stalker we briefly saw kill a woman in the film's opening moments, but really it's just tedious beyond belief.

The film's second half however switches gears with a full on home invasion, a couple of murders and a violent rape thrown in for good measure. The film from this point on is actually very well put together and tensely acted. Poggi and Lorimer are very good in their respective roles with a psychological as well as physical game of cat and mouse developing between the two. It's a pity we have to wade through the turgid swamp that is the first half of the movie really because the second half barrels along at a good pace and even throws in a couple of unexpected and rather entertaining twists.

Written and directed by Alessandro Lucidi who was (and still is at the age of 60+) mainly an editor (notables include The Designated Victim, Terror Express, etc) this was his 3rd and final attempt at directing and that pretty much says it all really.

A strangely bloodless and very average 90's Italian TV thriller then, go forth and rent...or not.


The Disc:

1.66:1 anamorphic widescreen transfer looks very good indeed; strong colours, healthy flesh tones, excellent contrast and a crisp picture. Audio is a stereo mix in Italian; clean and clear, the English subs are free of errors.


Review by Giuseppe Rijitano

DVD Review: Ninja Pussy Cat

Ninja Pussy Cat

Japan 2003
Dir: Hiroyuki Kawasaki
Starring: Mashiro, Tomotake Shigematsu, Yoko Satomi, Takahiro Nomura, Miyuki Konno, Hiroyuki Kawasaki.
DVD Released: 1st June 2010
Cert: NR
Running Time: 61 minutes
Aspect Ratio: 1.85:1 Non-Anamorphic NTSC
Audio: Japanese DD2.0, Japanese 5.1 Surround
Subtitles: English
Distributor: Pink Eiga
Region: 0 NTSC


The Film:

In 16th Century Japan rival clans Iga and Fuma fight it out for control of the Shogunate. Having come across some info about the illegitimacy of the Iga Shogun's heir the leader of the Fuma clan is unceremoniously killed by Hattori Hanzo and his ninja assassins. Fuma's head ninja survives however and sets out to avenge his master's death and, er, shag his daughter if he gets a chance. Yes it's Pink Eiga's take on the traditional Japanese samurai/ninja flick crossed with a female revenge thriller so don't worry about the boring old plot. The standard silly ninja magic tricks are dialled up to eleven and given an erotic spin; 'Ninja Arts: Hypnotic Kiss' proclaims one naughty ninja as he delivers a mesmerising smooch. But that's nothing compared to the 'Ninja Arts: Venus Flytrap' technique, think Goldeneye's Xenia Onatopp, only a bit more hardcore, ouch! This is the art of Kunoichi you see, highly trained female warriors who practise the mystical Sexual Ninja Arts. They answer only to mascara wearing lethal ladyboy Hattori Hanzo - a sick little freak that gets his jollies S&M style, hypnotising women into assassinating their lovers "She's my sexual assassin and she doesn't even know it" he cackles.

It's another over the top, bizarre entry in the Pink Eiga series that I've come to know and love, well, bravely endure anyway. This one is somewhat lacking in tongue-in-cheek humour however and suffers for that. It's a very po-faced and serious period piece with all the funnies coming from the absurd sexual martial arts on display rather than the performances. That said it is only around 60 minutes in length (as is the norm for Pinkies) so it barrels along at a good pace and doesn't really get a chance to outstay it's welcome. The sheer variety and versatility of filmmaking apparent in these little flicks continues to surprise me almost as much as the weird sexual shenanigans on display. Shot in just 3 days this apparently was the very first lady ninja/samurai Pink Eiga and it spawned an entire sub-genre of imitators, I'm not sure I'd seek them out in abundance but I'd certainly like to see a couple more released on this label.

Watch out for the truly outstanding 'Ninja Arts: Honeypot Hell' technique, it'll take your breath away, literally!


The Disc: 

If you've seen any of Pink Eiga's previous releases then you know what to expect here - it's another soft and altogether ropey 1.85:1 non-anamorphic transfer with hard-matted English subtitles. Standard servicable 2.0 Japanese language audio mix plus a very similar 5.1 mix.

Here's where Pink Eiga shine though - Extras:

Introduction to the film with Director Hiroyuki Kawasaki and Actress Yoko Satomi - a short, 4 minute, intro in which the couple briefly discuss their working relationship and making Ninja Pussy Cat.

Interview with Actress Yoko Satomi - a 13 minute conversation with the charming Miss Satomi in which the veteran of over 100 Pink Eiga flicks (since 1998) candidly talks about her start in the business, her previous roles and eventually her experiences on the set of Ninja Pussy Cat.

Interview with Director Hiroyuki Kawasaki - a 15 minute chat with Kawasaki that takes us on an exhaustive look at his career in Pink Eiga (21 straight to DVD and 2 theatrical flicks) also discussed is his time as an actor and his role as the self-proclaimed master of lady ninja movies.

Text based bios about the actors and director, an original theatrical trailer, photo gallery and a trailers for the rest of Pink Eiga's catalogue.


Review by Giuseppe Rijitano

DVD Review: Deep Contact

Deep Contact

Japan 1998
Dir: Yukio Kitazawa
Starring: Kazushi Ikeda, Seiji Nakamitsu, Riri Kuramoto, Motoko Sasaki, Myu Asou, Shoko Kudo, Kazuhiko Nakamura, Jun Kawai, Kenichi Kanbe.
DVD Released: 15th June 2010
Cert: NR
Running Time: 61 minutes
Aspect Ratio: 1.85:1 Non-Anamorphic NTSC
Audio: Japanese DD2.0
Subtitles: English
Distributor: Pink Eiga
Region: 0 NTSC


The Film:

There are rumours of a comet coming to destroy the earth, the streets are deserted except for feckless gambler Wataru (Kazushi Ikeda) legging it through downtown Tokyo, he owes money to a loan shark and the thumb-breakers have come a-callin. Lucky for him however he is deftly kidnapped by a group of red-baseball-capped weirdos who take him to a secret complex. A strange hospital in which the nurses don't wear panties and everyone seems to be humping constantly. Dr. Ohora (Seiji Nakamitsu), the nutter running the place, explains to Wataru that this is the earth's only hope of survival; the power of Sexual Psychokinesis! Yup, the psychokinetic power unleashed during orgasm will be harnessed in an attempt to divert the deadly comet by a minuscule degree in the hopes it will bypass our planet. These dudes are fucking to save the planet. Despite the allure of Ohora’s most promising candidate; Ikuko (Riri Kuramoto, a virginal young sexpot that has intense psychokinetic orgasms that can make an iron ball that weighs a ton float off the ground) Wataru still wants paying for his 'efforts', $100,000 should get him good and hard apparently. As the big day approaches hundreds of psychokinetic facilities all over the world prepare thousands of couples for a synchronized orgy that will culminate in the release of the largest amount of sexual energy ever witnessed, but will it be enough to save civilisation from destruction?

Honestly I keep thinking the Japanese can't possibly surprise me anymore, I've seen more than my fair share (and more than yours combined I'll bet) of Nipponese neurosis via the likes of Miike and Tsukamoto all the way back to Suzuki and Pinky Violence, but damn if Pink Eiga don't just go ahead and release a 12 year old spoof/rip-off of Deep Impact that makes my jaw drop at the sheer perverse absurdity on display. The world is in crisis but fear not for the Japanese have a plan! Comet coming to hit the earth? Let's fuck! Apparently this was the first sci-fi tinged Pink Eiga production and despite all the throwback 70's style sex shenanigans you can't help but be amused by the combined audacity and insanity of what you are watching. The truly odd thing is that certain scenes in between all the slapstick and furious shagging evoke the existential low budget sci-fi melancholy of classics like The Quiet Earth - no shit! As always then Pink Eiga DVD grants us another peek into the weird, wacky and often very funny world of low budget Japanese exploitation cinema. Twisted, perverted bloody genius!


The Disc:

Same old, same old from Pink Eiga; soft, non-progressive and ropey sums up the 1.85:1 non-anamorphic transfer with hard-matted English subtitles. 2.0 Japanese language audio mix is clean and clear.

Cast and crew video commentary; featuring Director Yukio Kitazawa, writer/producer Akira Fukuhara, actress Motoko Sasaki and actor Seiji Nakamitsu. The screen splits into two horizontal slices for this nice little extra with the bottom half featuring a round table of aforementioned participants. A friendly bunch that get all nostalgic watching a film they obviously had a great time making. Lots of informative anecdotes, laughter and behind the scenes stories here. Japanese audio with hard matted English subs.

Interview with director Yukio Kitazawa; a 13 minute chat with Yukio touching on all aspects of the production plus his experiences of working in the Pink Eiga industry. Candid and interesting. Japanese audio with hard matted English subs.

Plus the usual text based bios about the actors and director, an original theatrical trailer, photo gallery and a trailers for the rest of Pink Eiga's catalogue.


Review by Giuseppe Rijitano

DVD Review: Without Trace

Without Trace (aka ...A Tutte Le Auto Della Polizia)

Italy 1975
Director: Mario Caiano
Writers: Fabio Pittorru & Massimo Felisatti
Starring: Antonio Sabato, Luciana Paluzzi, Enrico Maria Salerno, Gabriele Ferzetti, Elio Zamuto.
DVD Released: April 27th 2010
Cert: NR
Running Time: 99 minutes
Aspect Ratio: 1.85:1 Anamorphic Widescreen
Audio: Dolby Digital Mono Italian
Subtitles: English
Distributor: Mya Communication
Region: 0 NTSC

The Film:

A bunch of filthy rich snobs relax around the massive swimming pool at the palatial estate of Professore Andrea Icardi as his precocious teenage daughter Carla strips down to her undies and takes a dip, to the delight of quite a few of the male onlookers. Yup she's a bit of a Lolita this one, no sooner has she finished teasing her father's friends than she's sneaking off after school for an illicit hook up with...well who knows? Coming home late Professore Icardi finds that his daughter still hasn't returned home and after checking around it's soon apparent she's missing 'Without Trace'. Better call in the local coppers then, led by 70's Italian Burt-Reynolds-a-like Antonio Sabato as Commissario Fernando Solmi; a loose cannon cop who lives on the edge and doesn't play by the rules. As you'd imagine Solmi isn't particularly fond of the upper class and especially doesn't like the inequality shown by the massive police mobilisation to find the (probably just runaway) daughter of a rich bloke. However when Carla's body is discovered in a lake, weighted down with her Vespa (nice!) it's not long before Solmi's getting too close to the case (probably because of his wife's unexplained briefly mentioned death) and verbally showering his contempt for perverts and hustlers at anyone within earshot. Especially that bloke running the skeezy bordello full of underage girls where Carla's schoolfriends all seem to work! With the evidence building via tyre tracks, bullet casings, a suspicious packet of Benson & Hedges and the testimony of a sweaty peeping tom that witnessed Carla's final moments the cops get ever closer to nailing their target which leads the diabolical villain to start killing all those that know anything about him in a desperate and bloody attempt to evade capture.

For it's first hour or so this is a steadily entertaining Italian police procedural flick (or poliziotteschi as this particular sub-genre might be classified). Despite it's 70's trappings and obligatory occasional flashes of full frontal female nudity it's held up well over the years. It even features an eerily familiar forensics lab scene; funky music plays as various white-coated geeks look through microscopes and process evidence - CSI Lazio anyone? Seemingly unable to hold this dramatic tension any longer however the film reverts to Giallo-tinged black gloved throat slitting's and garroting in it's final act which pretty much spurts arterial blood all over it's carefully built up storyline and rushes things to an action packed car chase of a conclusion that leaves you feeling somewhat let-down. The reveal of the killer is well handled however and surprisingly (for this genre) he turns out not to be a complete nut job but an almost sympathetic character. Another in the line of "schoolgirl gialli" then that were so popular round about this time (thanks to Massimo Dallamano and the likes of What Have You Done To Solange and What Have They Done to Your Daughters?, etc) - films that usually managed to be hypocritically moralistic as well as sexually exploitative. To be fair though this one is far less sleazy than it could be and all the better for it. The film also benefits greatly from an excellent turn by Sabato as the hard-nosed cop and the criminally underused ex-Bond girl Gabriele Ferzetti as his partner! Oh and the film's original Italian title A Tutte Le Auto Della Polizi (Calling All Police Cars) is a far more fitting one than Without Trace really given the nature of the plot.

The Disc:

Very nice anamorphic transfer, colours look well saturated and the image is clean and well detailed overall. Audio is the original Italian mono with optional English subtitles, it's a clean and clear track. More like this please Mya!

An odd but entertaining combination of Italian 70's hard-boiled cop flick and serial killer slasher movie!

Review by Giuseppe Rijitano

DVD Review: Crime of Passion

Crime of Passion (aka Delitto Passionale)

Italy 1994
Director: Flavio Mogherini
Writers: Flavio Mogherini & Daniele Stroppa
Starring: Serena Grandi, Florinda Bolkan, Fabio Testi, Paul Martignetti, Vesela Dimitrova.
DVD Released: April 27th 2010
Cert: NR
Running Time: 103 minutes
Aspect Ratio: 4:3 Full Frame NTSC
Audio: Dolby Digital Stereo Italian, Dolby Digital Stereo English
Subtitles: N/A
Distributor: Mya Communication
Region: 0 NTSC

The Film:

Peter Doncev (the fabulous Fabio Testi) has a slag for a wife. She may be a famous writer and a bit posh but she has a tendency to sneak out for a spot of after hours extra-marital rumpy pumpy with the English Ambassador whenever she gets the chance and not even her wheelchair bound daughter Anna can guilt mommy into staying at home when she's got the horn. On her latest carnal excursion however she is brutally (luckily post-coitally) murdered in her cheap hotel room. Enter young rookie detective Ivan Zanova (Paul Martignetti) and his crinkly beret wearing Wilford-Brimley-moustached partner/mentor to investigate. There are plenty of suspects to go around, including Peter's randy sister-in-law Tania (Serena 'bad boob job' Grandi), his secretary Milena (Anna Maria Petrova), his wife's professional rival alcoholic aging bint Giulia (Florinda Balkan), the list goes on and on. The aforementioned cops spend most of the film chatting leisurely to these people, in no great hurry to find the killer. Hell Inspector Ivan even finds time to take crippled Anna out on the town, well to a local gypsy encampment anyway, for an impromptu jam session (he plays saxophone) with the creepy gypos. While his partner Brimley-tache spends most of the film hairy stark bollock naked in a bath house/spa where Ivan also has to shed his clothes and grab his limp member to report in on a regular basis. Eventually the killer strikes again and is almost immediately caught...THE END!

It's a 90's giallo apparently, not the genre's best decade it seems. Featuring quite a few familiar genre faces but none of the charm, mystery or style of it's predecessors. Why the director/writer's thought it would be a good idea to have this Italian production set in Russia (presumably) is something of a mystery in itself - I kept having Nam-style flashbacks to Police Academy 7: Mission To Moscow, spookily also filmed in 1994, and wishing occasionally that I was watching that movie instead. Martignetti is the films protagonist, the main copper, the performance that really does make or break a film like this and he is a truly irritating screen presence unfortunately; the weediest, wettest, woefully inept screen detective ever. Even the lure of Serena Grandi's criminally underutilized dirty pillows couldn't save this film.

The Disc:

1.33:1 Full frame transfer looks a bit soft but is generally OK for a VHS transfer. Audio options include; a dubbed English stereo track that sounds fine (the accents are all over the place though from Russian to English to American) and an original Italian stereo track with no optional English subtitles, that's right NO ENGLISH SUBTITLES, what's the point in that? Another disappointing Mya presentation.

Ultimately this plays like a low budget Italian TV thriller.

DVD Review: Sweet Teen

Sweet Teen (aka L’adolescente)

Italy 1976
Director: Alfonso Brescia
Writers: Alfonso Brescia (writer), Aldo Crudo (screenplay & story), Piero Regnoli (writer)
Starring: Tuccio Musumeci, Daniela Giordano, Sonia Viviani, Raffaele Sparanero, Malisa Longo, Dagmar Lassander DVD Released: April 27th 2010
Cert: NR
Running Time: 97 minutes
Aspect Ratio: 4:3 Full Frame NTSC
Audio: Dolby Digital Stereo Italian
Subtitles: English
Distributor: Mya Communication
Region: 0 NTSC

The Film

Welcome to scenic Sicily in the politically incorrect mid-1970s. Hapless little weasel Vito Gnaula (Tuccio Musumeci) has made the big move down from Northern Italy and spends his days sitting around al fresco with his best buds ogling the passing totty over an espresso and a well trimmed pencil moustache. When he spots the gorgeous Grazia Serritella (Daniela Giordano) wiggling her way through the market the middle-aged horndog is smitten and heads off in pursuit. Turns out she works at her father's pharmacy and is heiress to her grandfather's fortune (and company), which will be legally hers when she finally gets married. Trouble is she's a bit of a puritan so Vito has to make do with getting a sly peek at her knickers by requesting the medicine bottle from the top shelf and sending her up the ladder to fetch. Not one to give up so easily however, Vito throws himself into courting Grazia and his efforts eventually pay off somewhat with a furtive if violently frustrating sexual encounter in a cheap hotel room that ends in a shotgun wedding.

Cut to one year later and Vito's suffering from a serious case of blueballs, his marriage hasn't yet been consummated. Grazia however is fully satisfied as she's sneaking off to meet her secret lover Antonio. It seems she only married poor Vito so she could get her hands on the inheritance. But let's not cry too hard for Vito seeing as he's now living in luxury, director of a big company and has a red-headed secretary called Katia (Dagmar Lassander) who just can't get enough of the diminutive ferret, although she is a bit high maintenance to the extent that Vito's now ducking her calls and heading off for a break in the countryside. But with the introduction of his wife's niece, 19 year old Serenella (Sonia Viviani, the titular Sweet Teen) he's soon walking funny again as she parades around his house in her skimpies playing with her pussy - that's a wee kitten you dirty minded perverts! Will Uncle Vito succumb to temptation? Will he ever discover Grazia's infidelity? Will there be a Carry On style bedroom swapping runaround that ends in two naked men sharing a bed? You'll just have to watch it and see won't you!

These are low-end Italian sex farce shenanigans. Minimal budget, maximum sleaze. Not all that different from the UK output of the same period - think Confessions Of A Window Cleaner and the like. Tuccio Musumeci comes across like a human cartoon character with his excessive gurning, eye-popping and rapidly bobbing adam's apple. That's not to say it doesn't have it's funny moments though - for example Malisa Longo's all too brief appearance as a rug munching nutjob sex therapist is great but unfortunately these moments are few and far between. The interim made up of copious amounts of bare flesh may assuage your funny bone to some extent but if it doesn't stiffen your other bone then you're probably in for a long night here.

The Disc:

1.33:1 Full frame transfer looks a bit dodgy with faces sometimes being halved off screen suggesting that it really should be a slightly wider ratio. Image is a little fuzzy due to this obviously being a VHS based transfer, colours are fine if a little muted. Audio is Italian (there is quite a bit of background noise throughout) with optional English subtitles (there are quite a few little errors in the track). Bit of a disappointing presentation really.


There are better Italian sex comedies of this period but then if you're a fan you've probably seen them all, if not best start with them and leave this one for later!

Review by Giuseppe Rijitano

DVD News and Contest: Electra Elf and Fluffer

Perhaps one for our US friends, but I have a copy of Electra Elf and Fluffer from MVD Visual up for grabs today! Described as "...simply the best TV show that has ever been produced on any budget. Last night's episode had me laughing my ass off!" this local cable show from Nick Zedd seems to have a big cult following.

This 4-disc DVD set contains all 20 episodes and loads of extras so if you want a copy all I need is you to send an email with your name and mailing address to dvdtrash@another.com. 1st email I receive wins the DVD!

NOW CLOSED - WELL DONE TO THE WINNER!

DVD Review: Blind Love

Blind Love

Japan 2005
Dir: Daisuke Goto
Starring: Konatsu, Shota Kotagi, Yota Kawase, Horyu Nakamura, Yutaka Ikejima.
DVD Released: 23rd Nov 2009
Cert: NR
Running Time: 65 minutes
Aspect Ratio: 1.85:1 Non-Anamorphic NTSC
Audio: Japanese DD2.0
Subtitles: English
Distributor: Pink Eiga
Region: 0 NTSC

The Film

Blind Love tells the tale of hard-up, middle-aged, short-arse ventriloquist Daisuke (Shota Kotaki) who performs his old-fashioned routine to almost empty theatres on a nightly basis. He does have one fan though, Hikari (Konatsu), a blind girl who loves the sound of Daisuke's voice. When she finally plucks up the courage to go backstage and meet him she stumbles and falls into the arms of his tall, good looking, young apprentice Yoichi (Yota Kawase) and mistakes him for Daisuke, who plays along in the moment thinking that she might be a nutter of some kind.

Before you know it the guys are taking Hikari out on the town, with Daisuke using Yoichi like a human ventriloquist's dummy. And for a while it's all fun, games and hard drinking until Hikari wants to have sex. Cue the world's most awkward threesome as Daisuke has to make like the invisible man in the corner of the bedroom. Of course Daisuke has actually started to fall in love with Hikari and begins to resent his assistant, not difficult really seeing as Yoichi's pretty much a thoughtless slimebag that'll shag anything in a kimono (and I mean anything, there's a terrifying scene involving a fat chick and copious underarm hair). Yoichi causes further damage when he speaks to Hikari on the phone and teases her about her sexual activities implying that Daisuke has been crudely bragging about bedding a blind girl. Thus armed with a pair of massive platform shoes Daisuke sets out to prove his love and win over Hikari......

My only experiences of Pink Eiga before this feature were two instalments of the Groper Train series; weird, wacky,very sleazy and occasionally quite funny. So finding this one to be a well thought out, funny, almost sweet, low budget indie rom-dramedy dressed up as a Japanese softcore sleaze flick is quite a pleasant surprise. It still contains the requisite sex scenes but they are very much incidental to the overall plot, if a tad lengthy. It is essentially a re-imagining of Cyrano de Bergerac trampling on Chaplin's Limelight dragged kicking and screaming through a Von Trier/Dogme flick (via it's bittersweet ending) unbelievably enough! Not without it's flaws, mainly due to it's low budget and rushed production I'm sure but I'd be very curious indeed to discover what director Daisuke Goto could do with a proper budget and a shot at the mainstream.

The Disc

Another soft 1.85:1 non-anamorphic transfer with hard-matted English subtitles from Pink Eiga. Standard 2.0 Japanese language audio mix.

Extras - Based around the film's screening at the New York Asian Film Festival this disc contains a surprising and very informative package of special features.

Audio commentary with director Daisuke Goto and cinematographer Masahide Iioka recorded the day after the NYAFF screening, it's a breezy, very enjoyable discussion about all aspects of the production and even a few quite amusing anecdotes, worth noting there are no English subs for this track, however a spoken English translation track is included.

Interview with director Daisuke Goto, running at 18 minutes this is a very frank chat with Daisuke ranging from his early career to the Japanese film industry to his Pink movies and finally to his memories of making Blind Love.

Interview with cinematographer Masahide Iioka, clocking in at 10 minutes, discussions mainly centers on Masahide's experience of working with Daisuke and technical info on making Blind Love.

Introduction to Blind Love, is a brief intro with Daisuke and Masahide filmed just before the NYAFF screening in front of the audience.

Q&A with Daisuke Goto, was filmed right after the screening. Here the NYAFF audience get to ask the director and his cinematographer a few questions. Runs for 13 mins.

Plus there are also a few text based bios about the actors and director, an original theatrical trailer, photo gallery.

A fun little film about people obsessed with self-loathing finding love!

Review by Giuseppe Rijitano